a hopeless note of despair, or a dreamless slumber of lost motivation

It’s been a few weeks since uni started and I’m finding myself . . . trawling along, lost and wondering what to do. Even writing seems to be somewhat out of reach — I don’t know how to simply do or be anything, or exist. I’m fine but I’m just? I don’t know.

It’s a weird moment right now, part in isolation, part resuming something akin to normalcy but not quite. Lectures and seminars are online for me, and i think this is adding to the lost feeling I’ve got an essay due at the end of the month on books I’ve not even skimmed through, but maybe I can discuss my favourite movie instead since it’s based on the book.

Did anyone else know Clueless is based on Emma? I sure as fuck didn’t.

I’m going to spend tomorrow, much like some of today, going through the recordings of the lectures and the PowerPoint slides + notes. I’ve got to, I think (??) draw a map of some journey I went on once for my short story workshop, and I can’t draw for shit so that should be fun. I am excited about it though. I know I can catch up if I actually try, before Monday. Lol. Hopefully.

I don’t quite know what this blog post is about exactly, I guess maybe a stream of consciousness and just musing aloud (well, typing!) whilst thinking about the dessert from the other day J and I had, and watching How I Met Your Mother for the 4th time or something in the space of two months.

m&m mania waffle + cookie dough mugshot with brownie bites

It was so incredibly good and I kind of want it again.

Like honestly, how scrumptious does this look?? Our most recent order wasn’t as good to look at however. . . and the journey it took to get to us was rather long. I accidentally ordered it to the wrong address so had to contact the app and restaurant to change it, but then had to get in touch with the driver and get them to come. God it was long.

don ferrero waffle + lotus biscoff cookie dough

It looks like an utter disaster doesn’t it!?

But it was incredible, and we enjoyed it! I’d love to have some now tbh. Just craving something chocolatey more than anything, to just help whatever this is — feeling of lostness during this stupid pandemic. Speaking of which, when the fuck will it end?

Is it too much to ask to have (a better) normalcy back?

Just so I can go back to classroom based learning without fearing the worst because right now, I genuinely don’t want to go on the tube and bus and whatnot every day. I feel like it would make it easier and have a little more ease to it, because with it being online it just feels like . . . not quite the same or necessary, which is the worst. Because this year is so so so important and i want to do the best. Which i’ll make sure I will — and attend every goddamn (online) seminar i need to.

Soon, i will find my way back to the lavender bliss of motivation and paint myself in it, bathe in the sweetness of achieved goals and make sure i become better than i was. My only competition is myself and i will be better than before, in every way that counts. Education is an important part of (my) success.

—Sumaiya, xo

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